Giving up my Right to be Right

It was a late summer’s day, 2012.  I was sitting in my rocking chair, looking out onto the front yard enjoying the view of our beautiful Maples trees. 

I was pondering life, sipping on a cup of tea, wasting the day away when I heard a voice from deep within like I'd never heard before. My Saviour whispered deep in my soul “Give up the Right to be Right” 

And for the first time in my life, I had the mental space to hear those words “Give up the Right to be Right”.

(You see my life prior to this season had been marked by many, many years of tragedy and suffering.  A life that would not have held space for giving up the right to be right)  

But still...Give up the Right to be Right.?

Being right helped cover up all the areas in my life I had gotten so wrong. 

And, for me, an easy way to cover my wrongs, sadly, had been to bring attention to others' wrongs.  To somehow try to get the focus off myself and onto someone or something else.  

And having years of living a life believing I was of such little worth, I really needed to feel like I mattered, that I was right. 

But now I was in a new place. 

Now I was in a place where I could begin to give up that right to be right. 

And I did it out loud; public for the world to see.  I would often (especially in the beginning) catch myself going to say something critical and would stop myself midtrack, admit my intentions and shut up… it was so disheartening and humiliating.  I was so ashamed of how often I had to stop myself… How often I had to validate my worth.  It had become an unhealthy habit that needed to be broken.

What I realized, over time, was that me giving up the right to be right was me surrendering my will for His.  An act of surrender; giving Him Lordship over my life.

Each time I surrendered my will to say something negative or critical and instead followed God's will, instead, spoke the words or behaved in a way that Jesus would behave, I began to change. I began to feel more of the Holy Spirit in me and less of me.  The flesh person began to be silenced and the spiritual person began to grow and thrive.  I began to see Jesus' character reflected in my words and actions.  And the more of Jesus I saw in me the more I wanted.  

The aching quest for the approval of man became unappealing and was replaced with the desire to feel and see more of Christ in me.

And with the help of my Saviour, I allowed the person God created me to be to find her place.  And I found peace.  I found Joy.  I found forgiveness.  But mostly, I found Love.  A deep, surrendering love for my Saviour who loved me enough to forgive my sins and regardless of my past, blessed me with the kindest man I have ever known.  He restored my life and He forgave me.

And the miracle?  This strong willed person that used the gifts and talents, her creativity and character to build her own self worth, now only wanted to serve her God and serve Him well.

Material things lost their value.  Achievements and accolades found little worth.

Something shifted

I watched the flesh Michelle die and the Spiritual Michelle come to life. 

What a profound treasure.  Feeling Christ living in me.  Feeling His character shining through me.  Dying to self.

I gave my heart to the Lord when I was five and finally, at forty five years old, I gave Him my will.

I remember a vision I had in the beginning stages of this change…  and it was a very usual vision…

It took place down behind the tall cedars in the back of our yard on Maple Street.  There was a boggy patch.  We lived at the bottom of a hill and in the back corner of our yard, down by the shed, it was often wet and muddy.  And it was there, in front of this shed, in the boggy, grassy mud, I saw myself dig a big hole in the ground and I buried that strong-willed, saucy girl.  That girl who had been wreaking havoc on my life and my children.  

And she needed to be stopped.

So - I buried her.

And sometimes she tried to rear her….

Because now - I was freed.

Romans 6:6: "We know that our old self was crucified with Him, in order that our body of sin might be done away with, so that we would no longer be slaves to sin"

2 Corinthians 5:17: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!".

Romans 8:13: "For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live". 

John12: 24: “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.

Giving God Lordship over my life; over my ways, allowing Him to show me my worth existed only in His love?  I truly was free.  Free from the exhausting bondage of the enemy. Free from the lies I spent a lifetime believing.  Free from my sin.  

And now He had a person He could work with.

And look what He has done! He is using me in ministry (insert "mind-blowing" emoji here). He has lead me to opening up the HOPE Centre!

Me! The unlikely choice for this ministry...the women at the well.

And why did he choose a girl with such a tainted past?  The unlikely choice?  

I believe it’s because He had the heart and the will of a woman whom He had bestowed upon an immeasurable amount of Grace. A woman whose heart He owned.

God uses broken people.  

So if there are any of you out there that think God couldn’t or wouldn’t use you because of your past?  Can I assure you, you are wrong.  He doesn’t care about your past, He cares about your future.

He just needs your heart… and your will.  Ask Him to show you how to surrender it.

I can truly say, dying to self was what gave me life.

Proverbs 3:5–6 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.”